07.23.2001
Now, I know what most people think; Alien abduction is nothing but a yarn spun by those looking for a little bit of attention. And if someone had asked me just a few short weeks ago what I thought about the phenomena, I would have told them the same. But friend, let me tell you, it is real and it's not all it's cracked up to be.
I don't know why they chose me, I'm just a normal man with nothing special to be seen in my future and nothing of note to talk about in my past. I was just a fella who lived and died by the nine-to-five at the auto parts store I managed and made sure that if I didn't do anything else, I was at the bowling alley every Thursday to have a few beers and throw a few rocks with the boys. Sure I had my own ball, but make no mistake, I was nothing more than an average bowler with a couple of extra bucks to spend one week. When I think about things, things I've done and not done, I'd have to say that the story of my life has always been that of just being a guy. So long as I could knock back a couple of brews every so often and my cable didn't get disconnected, I figured things were about as good as they'd ever get. The only thing about me that wasn't average was my abduction because I've done some thinking, and I've done some talking, and I've not ever heard a tale like mine.
I could begin this story with some ramblings about my modest childhood and how my parents never seemed to get along but the fact would be that it didn't have anything to do with this here story. No, this story begins the night that it actually happened, the night that I saw my first little green man. I was on my way to the bowling alley after work, so it had to have been a Thursday and I stopped by a 7-11 along the way to pick up a few scratchers to test my luck. Way I figured it, if I won five bucks on a scratcher I could count on adding a point or two to my average that night. It'd happened twice before and I decided that it was easier than actual practice. The cashier Shelia, a big all American woman with her nice big hair and big painted red lips, always smiled at me when I walked in and I always smiled in return. She was flirty with me which was something that I enjoyed even if I never knew just how to respond. What would I say to a woman who had as much to offer as she did after all? On the rare occasion that I picked up a few dollars she'd always let me cash it in with the promise that I'd bring something back for her. I did once and from then on every time I saw her, she would flash the see-through purple plastic beaded necklace at me to let me know that she kept it and close to her heart.
As luck would have it, I was a winner that night but for a sum I was quite surprised to be the recipient of. Who would have known it, I asked myself looking around. Who would have known that I would have someday won one thousand dollars? It was like the heavens opened up and showered me with gold coins. I started wondering, right there with the quarter in one hand and the card in the other, just what would I buy with that grand sum of money. Shelia looked at me, smiling because I suppose I looked pretty darned happy about it by some stupid look that was on my face. I held it up for her to see and she squealed with excitement declaring that she never would have guessed that Plano would have been home to a thousand dollar winner. "I'm a thousandaire," I said trying to hold back my dumb looking grin.
For such a sum, a fella can't just cash it in at the store but instead has to mail it to the Texas Lottery Commission down in Austin and I just couldn't wait to put it in an envelope with a stamp to get my check for cold hard cash. Wanting to celebrate, I pulled out my cigarettes but quickly saw that I had not one. Shelia, the gift god gave to men, was more than willing to help out and fronted me the Lincoln for a pack of Salem's knowing I was good for it. I was so excited that I even leaned over the counter to kiss her. I felt like the woman was going to swallow me whole, which was all right, because she looked like she had plenty of space to hold me if she did. After she handed me a napkin to wipe off her shade of lipstick, I told her that I'd see her soon, but that my buddies were going to miss me and send out a search party if I wasn't quick about appearing at the alley. Being the knowing woman that she was, Shelia nodded and told me that she hoped to see me soon. I felt a burst of something shoot through my veins when she added "lover boy."
Well things were all right I had to say as I climbed back into my Ford. They sure as hell could be a lot worse, that I knew from experience. The clock on the dash told me that I had about ten minutes to get to Plano Lanes before I missed the night's fun and ended up just drinking a pitcher behind the action and it was on that drive that it happened.
There's been a lot of construction, anybody in Plano could tell you so. A lot of it. People have been moving in from all over the darn place, from regions as far away as Los Angeles or even St. Paul and to give these people a place to stay there's been a lot of building. Everything from tract homes to highways and it was under a highway where things started to go screwy. I35 isn't what it used to be, not the stretch that goes through Plano anyway. It used to be a little two-lane piece of black top that connected my town to Dallas in the south and other points north, but because of all the newcomers it was enlarged to be six lanes across, elevated above the ground so that nothing would stand in its way. Now, it had been finished for a couple of years but it never seemed like they were done. There were always big bright lights and construction crews hanging around eating a lot of lunches on my tax dollars and that is why I didn't notice anything coming up behind me.
The only part about the whole ordeal that those boys down in Hollywood seemed to nail was the blinding flood lamp. When that thing went on I thought I was passing out because the light you see before you fall over is pretty much the same. I squinted my eyes to try to see and wondered why they needed such brightness for an overpass and hoped that the traffic light would change soon. In my rear view mirror I saw some shapes take form through the brightness as though they were walking towards me and thought I'd ask them what in creation was going on. I rolled down my window and shouted, "Hey, goddamn it! I can't even see the blasted signal!" But no one answered. The shapes just kept slowly moving towards me. It was then that I noticed that the light was accompanied by a loud low roar and figured that the poor bastards couldn't hear me over such a drone so I popped open the door to my truck and jumped out, walking in the direction of the light. I should have known something strange was going on because the whole idea of walking towards the brightness felt kind of biblical.
"Hey," I shouted again. "I can't see a blasted thing! Can you turn it down a bit?" But still, nothing answered.
What happened next is still a little foggy in my head. I remember looking around and seeing that the shapes were now solid forms but that they weren't exactly what a guy like me would call human. They were little, and they were green, and so that's why even though nothing else was quite like the other stories I heard, I still figure I was abducted. One of the things took me by the hand and started to lead me away from my truck. I looked back, wondering if I should just leave it there but then decided that if anyone wanted to steal the piece of crap they could have it, I – after all – had a thousand dollars on the way. I was led into the light, as they say, by my little companion, and somehow I ended up in the ship. After that, didn't nothing happen like I expected.
The room that I was in was big, and when I say big, boy do I mean it. It made the Cowboys' field look small because it was huge. And inside, with their hoods open and little alien creatures walking between them, were a whole slew of classic cars. Every so often they'd start one up and the sound of the revving engine would echo off the walls and everyone – or thing, if you will – would turn to see who started up what because it sure sounded good. I couldn't believe my eyes. There were Malibu's, Chevelles, Corvaires – Christ do I miss that car – and not a few Plymouth Hotrods. There were more than that, but if I were to list every make, model, and year, hell, I'd run out of room and you'd get bored. That place put every car show I'd ever been to to utter shame.
I looked down at my little friend and it was then that I saw his tattoo. I couldn't believe it, but there it was in black ink on his dark green skin. It had a flying saucer hovering above a classic Chevy with a beam of light shining down and something written around the picture in a circle. I figured it was writing but it looked like a series of dots and lines. My friend looked up at me and let go of my hand, returning my dumb smile, and for some reason I wanted to poke him in his big black eye like I used to do to my pal Charlie when we were kids. We'd be having fun, the two of us would, and I'd say, "Hey Charlie!" and then poke him in the eye. "Isn't this fun," I'd ask. "Aren't we having fun?" I didn't poke him though because I was a little bit afraid that he might have a ray gun tucked away somewhere and that he might not understand how we humans express our happiness.
"So," my big eyed buddy said. "We're having a problem with something and were hoping you could help us out." The guy even spoke American. Geez was I proud. He wasn't my son or nothing, but when he spoke, well hell, I felt like I did when our boy went off and became President on us. I stood there for a moment and fought the urge to drop to my knees and bear hug him for how proud he made me. But then I thought, he's got a problem he wants me to look at? How could I help them? After all, they built that giant space machine in which I stood. I guess they mistook my silence for something else because his friend punched him in the shoulder.
"Jesus Billy, why don't you just show him," he said. I looked at him and felt my chin go up and down. "Billy's" friend smiled upon seeing that and I knew that he was okay in my book. Billy looked around and started leading me over to a car that was on the fringe of the rest of the show. He pointed at it and gave me a frown that nearly broke my little heart. "Something's the matter with it," Billy's friend said.
"Yeah, we can't figure out what," Billy added.
"Well, Jesus-on-a-stick boys! Let me take a look at it! This is what I do," I said, happy that it wasn't about some mathematical problem they'd been struggling with. The hood was popped, and I propped it up so I could get a better look at the engine. "What's wrong with it," I asked, looking at Billy, to his friend, and back.
"We can't seem to get it started," Billy said. "Tommy thinks we were sold a dud."
"You boys bought a car without taking it for a drive first," I chuckled, holding my belly that normally at that time of the week would have been filling with beer, pretzels, and greasy hamburgers.
"Well, the owner was able to start it," said Tommy with a whine.
"Damn boys, that there is the oldest trick in the book. Now, do me a favor and turn over the engine, would one of you?" Billy was on the job in a hot minute. I didn't know anything about those two, Tommy or Billy, but they seemed like two earnest kids and I was happy to help them out. When Billy turned the key, the engine turned over once, then twice, but with some labor each time. The thing never seemed to catch though. "Keep turning. Keep turning," I said and Billy kept turning.
"Give it some gas," Tommy ordered. I could tell who the boss of who was there, but like my boss at the auto parts store, Tommy didn't know diddley about how a car worked.
"Billy," I said like a father. "Now don't go letting Tommy push you around. You just keep cranking the engine and let me figure out what the matter is. Hell, that's why you brought me here anyway." Out of the corner of my eye I saw Billy put his thumb to where his nose should have been and wiggle his fingers to which Tommy responded with a tongue.
"Ah hah," I said with not a little bit of glee. "I think I found something!"
"What is it," Billy asked.
"It's a dud, isn't it," Tommy said.
"Now, Tommy, let me ask you something," I said slowly. "When you got this, were you all excited like? Did you maybe, give it a little gas when you were trying to start it?"
Tommy looked around him as though the whole wide world seemed to be closing in on him. I was sure that he was confident that Billy was at fault and the idea that he might of gone and done something that messed it up was starting to scare him. "Well, you know…. I don't remember, why?"
"'Cause boys, it looks like what you've got here is a flooded engine. Ain't nothing to worry about that the forces of gravity won't take care of in about ten minutes," I said. The boys breathed a sigh of relief because it wasn't as bad as they had thought and I was pretty darned pleased with myself. First I win the lottery and then I fix a green fella's car. What more could happen in a night? "Now look, I know that you all aren't supposed to be telling me the secrets of the universe and whatnot, but I was wondering…. What the hell is all this?" I could be eloquent when I wanted to be and I figured they owed me as much for plucking me off the street, such as they did.
"What is this," asked Billy. I wasn't sure if he was being coy or not. "Oh, this is nothing, you know, a car show."
"Yeah," agreed Tommy. "You know, a car show."
"Uh huh," I said. "I can see that," I said pointing to my own eyes. "But this is the first one I've heard of in a space ship."
"Oh," said Tommy. "Really? They happen all the time." He stretched his little green arms and his three fingers and gave a little yawn as though it was past his bedtime, which – if he were my son – it would have been. "Geez, it's getting late. I guess we should get you back to your truck, huh?"
"Yeah," I said checking my watch. "I guess you should." And with that, they took me back but this time without the big lightshow and production. They walked me out the front door, saw me to my truck, made sure I was buckled in, and then left me to my own. When I looked behind me I didn't see a damn thing. Hell, I thought, it must have been a dream except that that was the most real dream I've ever had. I looked at my watch again and saw that somehow I'd been in there for two hours and, figuring that the guys were probably not much in the mood or shape to bowl in anymore, I turned the Ford around and headed back to the 7-11 where I fell into the loving arms of my Shelia.